I need to buy a new laptop. I think I can actually hear mine sigh with weariness when I turn it on, as if to say ‘I’m old, I’m full, and all I want is to do is nap in the drawer’. I know how it feels. Sometimes it flashes wildly for no reason and I think it’s trying to tell me to leave it alone. Go away crazy person, I no longer wish to be the enslaved vehicle for feeding your hypochondria, penchant for sleazy celebrity gossip and obsession with vacuum storage solutions. Admittedly the vacuum storage thing only started this morning but it is just the latest example of random and innane googling that I sense is breaking my macbook’s spirit. Poor Jacques (le Mac)...once so spritely and white, now kind of sticky and an unhealthy shade of eggshell.
Jacques has been on his way out for a while now. I replaced his battery last year in the hope that this would keep him going for a little bit longer and it seems to have worked. The problem is that he’s still technically motoring on, albeit in a curmudgeonly manner. Can I justify buying a new laptop when Jacques trundles on? So the button on the tracker thingy is stuck but this is because Mr Oh jumped onto the sofa beside me when I was holding a glass of orange juice. It also takes forever to open programmes, multi-tasking is no longer a viable option and sometimes it just seems to grind to a halt and take a few minutes to compose itself. When awake for too long, it sometimes just starts wheezing and whining which makes me think that Jacques might be pregnant. This would be an exciting development were it possible that Jacques might shortly birth me a new, baby macbook to bounce on my lap. Sadly, I’m not sure even Apple have yet cracked artificial procreation.
Another major stumbling block to my plans to replace Jacques with something prettier, is the fact that I won’t replace Jacques with just any laptop, I want a 15 inch MacBook Pro. I toyed briefly with the idea of a Sony Vaio - which I could get in bright green (I have fairly unsophisticated, aesthetically base predilictions when it comes to machinery) - but I also have a strong sense of brand loyalty and a deep respect for interoperable appliances. There is also the slight chance that I might be excommunicated from my family if I did not buy Apple. It would be up there with voting for Sinn Fein or wearing pyjamas to the supermarket. It has to be Apple really, but Apple’s are expensive and I’m supposed to be saving my money for things like moses baskets, tiny socks and machines that sterilise things. (We definitely need a machine to sterilise things - Mr Oh tried once to sterilise a baby’s dummy in boiling water and ended up setting fire to the kitchen, destroying a perfectly good saucepan, releasing a cloud of toxic chemical into the air and almost poisoning a 9 week old baby).
Maybe the baby doesn’t need socks?