It's A Wonderful Life

monkey

Ways in which having children has changed my life:

1. I spend at least five minutes a day squeezing the water out of squeezy bath toys to stop them going moldy.  This is time that I used to spend whisking away stray eyebrow hairs.  Now I have a slight unibrow and the bath toys are still moldy.  

2. I sleep on my side because to sleep on my back would mean partially sleeping on another human - probably the small star shaped one taking up my half of the bed.  

3. I can't get out of the bed to pee at night because someone else's tiny bed is strapped to the side of my bed.  It is worth noting that this person has never once slept in his bed.  

4. It takes half an hour to complete what should be a ten minute walk from kindergarten to home.  This is because we need to stop every twenty paces for a kiss and every ten to stroke dead leaves.  

5. I used to nurse several glasses of wine over the course of an evening.  I now spend my evenings nursing and whining.

6. I know which one is Tom and which one is Jerry.   I also know that La-la is yellow, that there are ten Pontypines, the entire script of the Jungle Book, and the colour of every house in Balamory.  

7. I haven't bathed alone since 2012.  

8. Everything I cook can be eaten with just a fork. 

9. Only the top half of our Christmas tree is decorated.  

10. The only thing worse than running out of wine, is running out of raisins.  

11. Almost every piece of clothing I own has lycra in it somewhere.  

12. I say 'because I said so".  

13. I keep a stash of lollipops in my bag for emergencies.  

14. Some years I go to Christmas Mass more often than I go to the hairdresser.

15. I spend more money on shoes, but they’re smaller shoes, often with dinosaur motifs. I am convinced it would be less financially draining to develop a moderate to serious cocaine habit than trying to keep a toddler shod.  I am going to buy shares in Clarkes.  

16. The toilets have gotten smaller.  Well, the toilets themselves haven't actually gotten smaller but the entrance to the toilet bowl has as we've affixed them all with tiny baby bum shaped tops to prevent Little A from falling into the toilet when he pees. 

17. About 10% of what I eat has been in another person's mouth first.  
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